Voldemort's Plans
by Lazarus Risen
Summary: Snape has given Dumbledore Voldemort's evil plans. But is it the ones everyone thinks they'll be?
1. Nick Jr.-We Shall CONQUER!

Voldemort's Plans

Chapter 1

Nick Jr.-We Shall CONQUER!!!!!

A/N: I don't own ANYTHING! NOTHING!!!! ZIPPO, ZIP, NADA, THE BIG EMPTY!

Ok, I'm done.

Snape hurried to Dumbledore's office, carrying several loose-leaf pieces of parchment. There was no time to waste. He had just come back from a Death-Eater meeting. Voldemort had given each Death-Eater his plans for taking over the world. Those pieces of parchment contained very valuable pieces of crucial information that must be taken to Dumbledore immediately.

Snape reached Dumbledore's office. "Ah, Severus," smiled Dumbledore. "You have the plans, I trust?"

"Yes, Headmaster," said Snape, and handed the pieces of parchment to Dumbledore.

"Hmm, let's read this together," said Dumbledore, setting the parchment on his desk.

Dear Death Eaters,

Here is the complete list of my plans. Please read thoroughly and comply. We must take action on these offenders immediately!    

CHAPTER 1 

NICK JR.-WE SHALL CONQUER!!!

Snape looked a Dumbledore wearily. Dumbledore looked extremely amused and continued reading.

The following Mudblood television programs must be shut down immediately…death to children entertainment! RAAAAAHHH!

· Dora the Explorer

This show is pure evil! Whenever I watch I feel like killing everyone in that box they are trapped in! This would be a good torture device! Swiper the Fox would be a good addition to the Death Eater family! Plus that extremely annoying monkey! Kill the girl and everyone else and convince the monkey and the fox to join our side! THE BOUCNING BLUE BALL MUST DIEEEEEEE!

· Oswald

DIE EVIL OCTUPUS! That dog of his is extremely annoying! WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS SO HAPPY AND SINGING ALL THE TIME?! MWAHAHAHA! THEY SHALL DIE! That penguin is so gay! He shall die also! Death to the baby butterfly! Death to the twin eggs! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Snape looked at the parchment, scared. 

· Bob the Builder

That theme song is extremely annoying! ALL OF THEM MUST DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA! Ask Spud if he would like to join our ranks! He is pure evil! He would make a good Death Eater!

· Blue's Clues

Possibly the most evil of all Nick Jr. cartoon shows! Joe and Steve must DIE! All of them must DIE!!! DIEEEEEEEE BLUE AND MAGENTA! And Steve is NOT going to college; he is going to the unemployment line, then his grave! R.I.P! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

So, faithful Death Eaters, please do as I asked. The one who kills the most of these evil creatures shall receive the gift of their dreams! 

YER BOSS!

Voldemort

        Snape was now officially freaked out. He wasn't sure he wanted to continue.

        Dumbledore gave him a look, then peeled the first piece of parchment off and put the second one on top of it.

        "Let's continue, shall we?" said Dumbledore. Snape agreed, but rather reluctantly.

A/N: So, how was the first chapter? Hate it? Love it? Review!


	2. Cosmetic Products- DIE DIE DIE! MWAHAHAH...

Chapter 2

Cosmetic Products-DIE DIE DIE!

A/N: Here it is- the second chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the products mentioned.

Dumbledore adjusted his glasses, and started to read aloud the second piece of parchment:

Dear Death Eaters,

More plans! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

· Cover Girl Blush

I have worn this evil cosmetic product, and it made me look so pretty! I have no objections to this product!

Snape felt like he was going to faint.

· Maybelline Blush-Sweetheart Rose

This had no effect on my skin tone whatsoever! Plus it itches my delicate skin! KILL ALL THE CREW AT MAYBELLINE!!!!

· Olay Eye shadow

They have awful colors! DIE DIE DIE! RAAAAAGGHHHJFGIGOWRGJTRBNHI4OWJH!

· Cover Girl Eye Shadow

Hurray for people at Cover Girl! I wear this make up every day…shouldn't have told you that. Forget it! I said NOTHING!

· L`OREAL Eye Shadow

Eeeeww! KILL TIM ETO KILL BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

· Almay Time-Off Age SMOOTHING Concealer

HURRAY! No killing people at THIS company!

So, Death Eaters, kill everyone I suggested. Tootles!

YER BOSS,

Voldemort

Snape was very scared. Voldemort had obviously forgotten to take his pills!

"Headmaster," said Snape, "I believe the world is in mortal peril. Voldemort seems to have forgotten to take his pills…"

            "What do you think the next one is?" asked Dumbledore.

            Snape shuddered. "I believe Voldemort is going to start talking about…"

            "Yes?" asked Dumbledore eagerly.

            Snape gulped. "Fan fiction."

A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Review!


	3. Fan fiction! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Voldemort's Plans

Chapter 3- Fan Fiction! RAAAAAAH!

A/N: Originally I was going to post every person who has reviewed my stories, but I decided just to pick 7 people, because that would take forever. OK? OK! Oh, and people who were mentioned, don't take the Dark Lord's opinion personally. It's not MY opinion. Remember, he forgot to take his pills!

Warning: Appearance from Professor Smith. 

            "Fan fiction?" asked Dumbledore, looking at Snape weirdly.

            "It's true," said Snape. "Now read!"

Dear Death Eaters,

                PART THREE! Evil fan fiction! Some of you have participated in this evil doing against your will! In fact, I'm certain all of you have! I have! RAAAAAAHH!

· Chimbo Baggins

This girl is insane! Even though she has written only one Harry Potter story, it was still wrong! Why, if Hogwarts really had gone chaotic like that, I would've taken over the school! Unless it was my doing! DIEEEEE!

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "I remember that story! I still fear the next chapter…"

"Me too," said Snape.

· SanDiE

No comment.

· Professor Charlotte Snape

Crazy!!!! She forced Severus to do some annoying Awards Ceremony! How dare she! Oh, well. At least she gave me an award.

"Gack!" yelled Snape. "I remember that also! She gave me practically all of the awards!"

"Let's just hope she won't write a fic with her married to you," pointed out Dumbledore.

"YUCK!" shouted Snape.

· Ivory Tower

Gack! DRIVING LESSONS? AT HOGWARTS?! What is she, mad? Does she honestly think Dumb Door…

"HEY!" shouted Dumbledore

…would be stupid enough to do that? I mean, much as I hate the old man, he wouldn't be insane enough to do that! DIEEEEEEE!!! (A/N: Uh-oh! Looks like you're on his bad list, Ivory Tower! Don't worry. Like you said, he'll never catch you!)

· Sally- the-ragd0ll

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! RAAAAAAHHHH!

"He didn't even give a reason this time!" exclaimed Snape.

"Shut up, I'm reading," said Dumbledore.

· Taboo

I am very glad her MST was cut away! SHE IS EVIL! She made me sit on a stupid game show! SHE MUST DIE!!!!!!

· Gred Weasley

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"Again, no reason," Snape commented.

· Me123

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"No reason AGAINNNNN!" shouted Snape, stomping the floor and having a hissy fit.

"Snape calm down!" shouted Dumbledore. Snape finally stopped acting like he was two.

"Well, that the end of them," said Dumbledore, shuffling the papers. "Now we just have to-"

Suddenly, Professor Smith came bursting into the room…

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
